i teach a course called cognitive coaching. in this course, participants learn about how to have structured coaching conversations to support others in becoming more self-directed. an important part of our learning in the course is asking mediative questions. these questions are designed to open/expand thinking and to explore possibilities. we specifically suggest that tentative language such as hunch, might and could be used to create safety for thinking.
for example:
what ideas are you exploring?
compared to
what ideas might you be exploring?
the second question includes the tentative word might, which softens the question, encouraging the coachee to explore ideas, even if they aren’t sure or clear.
something i have noticed in the last few weeks is that the cancer world is filled with tentative language:
“let’s hope for a good outcome.”
“i’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!”
“we don’t know what could happen in the future.”
“chances are in your favor.”
i am someone that likes to be sure. i am not a tentative person. i don’t shy away from hard conversations. when i have a goal i am clear with myself and with others on how i will achieve it. i support the use of tentative language in coaching conversations because the purpose is to keep thinking open and broad; so that individuals are able to draw on their internal resources and solve their own challenges and problems.
because cancer is so ruthless, people shy away from using language that is sure. they don’t want to get my hopes up or make promises that they can’t keep.
however, hearing the tentative language when talking about my life, it is incredibly disheartening. people say i need to stay positive, but how can i stay confident and positive when people are essentially saying, “i’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope you stay alive”? that is the opposite of reassuring.
the definition of cancer is uncertainty. everything is tentative. one thing is for sure – it sucks.
*the ever winding road. the photo above was taken in torres del paine, chile in december 2017.
