in a few days, i will get my pathology results from my surgical oncologist. a few days after that, based on my results, my medical oncologist will give me a recommendation for my treatment plan. i already know that my melanoma is classified as stage 3; however, i do not know if it is 3a, 3b, 3c etc. the staging depends on the number of lymph nodes are implicated.
i’ve been waiting for four weeks.
the other day, my mom was waiting for me in the car to finish with my physio appointment. she spoke to me about all the cancer-related waiting she has done over the past few years. waiting for my dad to get out of surgery. to go into surgery. to find out if he needs surgery. waiting in cars, in waiting rooms, in cold rooms, and in coffee shops. waiting for results, for appointments, for phone calls. crosswords. iPhone games. phone calls to me. all while waiting.
i’m beginning to think that the anxiety and stress related to waiting is worse than the news itself. i’ve distracted myself best i could. filling up my time, my social calendar, my lists of things to do, my stack of books to read. for the first few weeks i was primarily focused on recovering. then it was physio, counseling, naturopathy, and coaching. from focusing on my daily range of motion exercises for my arm, to talking to visitors at the cottage, i have barely given myself a moment to grasp the enormity of the waiting.
the other week, i watched the new wrinkle in time movie. i had read the book as a child, and had vague memories of it. the main character, meg, is searching for her father, who has been gone for years. along the way, she meets a character named ‘happy medium’, who helps meg to find balance within herself so she can channel some difficult truths about her father. in the moment ‘happy medium’ tells her:
“its okay to fear the answers, but you can’t avoid them.”
the truth is, there is nothing that will change the results of my pathology. they are already true and real, and in fact, someone somewhere already knows the answers (unless the pathology in ontario is even slower than i had been led to believe!). we think we are protected by not knowing; but we aren’t. there is nothing i can think/do that will change the truth as it already is. while this week will be a bit scary, it is unavoidable. and in some ways… will bring relief from waiting.
*photo taken at a gorgeous beach wedding celebration south of hua hin, thailand in september 2016. it was my first time sending up a thai lantern!
