things i’ve gained/lost.

cancer is a ruthless piece of &$^*#.  in an instant, it rips away SO MUCH.

over the past two months, i’ve cancelled plane trips, missed work, changed plans, missed the epic musical phenomenon of hamilton, cancelled air bnbs, forced other people to cancel their travel plans, missed courses i was supposed to teach and been unable to say goodbye to friends who were leaving bangkok.  each time i have to cancel something my heart breaks a little more.  i can’t believe that with all these little breaks that my heart hasn’t turned to dust.  luckily our hearts are our strongest muscle (maybe it was all those years of weightlifting?) and mine only has new fault lines.

i know that there are lots of things happening all around the world every day without me.  i know i’m relatively insignificant and lots of fun is had without my presence.  as i’ve moved from my teens to my twenties to my thirties, i’ve come to be okay with that.

however, today was supposed to be my first day back at work.  and i’ve got a serious case of the f.o.m.o (fear of missing out).  on a scale of 0-10, my fomo is off the charts.  it feels like fomo has become my new m.o.

so, knowing that there are very few things that are as healing to me as a good list…. here are two:

things i’ve lost

being physically present at work.  i’ve got some next steps with my treatment, and for a number of reasons, i need to start them in canada.  i’ve got to step back from work, temporarily.  this will be by far the hardest part for me.  maybe not harder than actually getting cancer.  but pretty close.

carefree-ness.  i used to truly, legitimately believe that bad things wouldn’t happen to me.  that everything would work out.    i would get on planes and not worry about worse case scenarios.  my biggest stressor was related to losing 5 pounds or having a fight with my mom.  not anymore.  i don’t trust my body.  i worry about stage 4.  i will never get on a plane again without worrying about developing lymphedema.  i barely have 3 minutes pass without worrying about developing lymphedema.  i see no reason in being a risk taker when my whole existence is in peril.

my physical strength and weight lifting goals.  these past years in bangkok, i have become absolutely passionate about lifting heavy weights.  i love feeling strong, competing in kettlebell tournaments and having a personal trainer who believes in strength training for women.  but no more.  or at least not for a very long time.  due to the risk of developing lymphedema after my axillary lymph node excision, i have been specifically instructed to avoid exertion and lifting heavy weights with my left arm.  no waterskiing.  no bench pressing.  no trying to do a chin up.  no ping pong (damn it!  ping pong was my all time favorite sport!)  not only was weight lifting my primary stress reliever, but it the primary way that i felt empowered and healthy.

my plans.  i had so. many. plans. for this summer, and none of them involved this.  my plans were well… they were well-planned.  well-researched.  well timed.  and now they are out the window.  now i plan only a few days in advance.  don’t want to jinx anything.

my left armpit.  i bet you’ve never thought much about your armpit.  i hadn’t.  until it was basically gone.  since my surgery i have no feeling in my left armpit or much of my upper arm.   when i put on deodorant i can’t feel anything.  the contours of my armpit have changed.  it is rippled with scars.  i haven’t yet figured out how to shave, because the tissue has basically collapsed on itself.  i don’t wear tank tops (yet).  as my mom says, any armpit modeling is definitely out for me.  please, in my honor, go appreciate your armpit.  show it off to the world.

things i’ve gained

time.  time for books.  time for walks.  time for puzzles.  for drives.  for thinking about going for drives.  for phone calls.  for sitting in coffee shops.  for appointments.  for sitting.  for thinking.

a repertoire of refreshing low-sugar alcohol-free beverages.  i won’t lie, there has never been a time in my life that i’ve so desperately craved a drink.  a cold gin & tonic would certainly take the edge off!  but… the general advice is that alcohol and cancer are not a great combination.  so i’m fully off booze.  research shows (and my naturopath believes) that cancer cells are dependent on a constant supply of glucose, so reducing sugar intake is important for people with cancer.  i’ve been researching all the low sugar non-alcoholic options for drinking; and i’ve been easily fooled.  if you have flavored san pellegrino in your house go RUN IMMEDIATELY and give it away… it has more sugar in it than a coke!!  gradually i’ve found some options: kombucha (but check the sugar), iced tea (hold the sweetener) and the new trendy la croix fizzy water.  who doesn’t want to drink the trendiest effervescent water in town?

gratitude for friends.  my family is great.  and i’ve always known my friends were awesome.  but the way people have come out of the woodwork and supported me… i’ve never experienced anything like it.  messages.  notes.  books to read.  quotes.  phone calls.  emails with random stories that distract.  care packages.  flowers after surgery.  listening.  crying with me.  sleepovers.  visits.  helping me make decisions.  doing research.  flying to visit me from kentucky. (just one friend did that… i think it would be weird if that was a common thing?!)  someone said it is “friend karma”; another paraphrased a quote along the lines of… “being a good person does not prevent bad things happening… but it means that when bad things happen, good people rally around you.”  well, rally they have.  i am – and continue to be – immensely grateful.  #cancerperks

getting to know my friends’ kids better.  i love living abroad; however, one of the major downsides is that i see the kids once a year and mostly watch them grow up on facebook.  not this summer.  i’ve had park time, snuggle time, swimming time, read aloud time, movie time and game time.  it is maybe the second best thing to being a mom myself.  and i love watching my girlfriends become moms.  i’m so proud.

the written word.  this blog is no pulitzer prize contender.  but it has been such a gift for me to write, and to actually publish it… whether there are 2 people reading it or 20, it makes no difference.  when i’m writing i don’t think about anything else.  it is like therapy.  but cheaper.

a deep appreciation for the tv show jane the virgin.  my brain hasn’t been up for sophisticated reading, or incredibly deep tv shows.  i’ve been craving stories that sweep me up, take me away, and are relatively light and frothy (read: no death or cancer allowed).  someone suggested this show on a whim to me, and it has become an absolute joy.  i’ve crawled deep into the wormhole of the internet to appreciate the wonderful women who run the show, and the beautiful cast and crew.  it is smart, witty, completely over-the-top; and it makes me feel so nostalgic for my days in mexico.  i haven’t had a love fest with a tv show like this in a long time.

knowledge of ottawa.  ottawa gets a bad rap.  “the city that fun forgot,” they say.  but i’m a modern explorer.  i explore the world, so why not where i grew up?  i’ve walked new walking paths.  found new ways of getting places.  tried new restaurants.  gradually sitting and writing/reading in every bridgehead coffee shop of the city (there are 19!  i’m writing this one in hintonburg.)

harry potter.  one time, in london, i saw harry potter naked live on stage for an uncomfortably long period of time.  true story.  daniel radcliffe (who played harry potter in the movies) was in a play called equus, and i swear the naked scene lasted 30 minutes.  however, i’m probably the only educator who has never actually read the harry potter books.  i’ve seen him naked, but haven’t read the books?  it just feels like i jumped a few steps.  this year will no longer be remembered as the year i got cancer, but the year i finally read ALL the harry potter books.  instead of reading, i’ve actually been listening (i highly recommend the audiobooks – jim dale, who narrates, has an exceptional array of voices.  i can’t take credit for this great idea, it was another smart friend recommendation).

perspective.  every day, in every way, people are doing the best they can with what they have.  everyone is fighting a great battle.  they walk in as much light as they have.  divorce, death, illness, miscarriage, grief, loss… the list goes on and on.  i will never be the same person as pre-cancer.  this new found perspective has brought me more empathy and compassion for the suffering of others.

*this photo is of one of my all time favorite lists.  it was written on the wall of my office by my friends on passion day, in the fall of 2015.  i would take off “taking taxis to school”, because that sucks.