i heard myself laughing the other day. it caught me off guard. a loud, deep guffaw. i had forgotten what it sounded like. it made me happy, in a primal way, to hear myself laugh. there has been so much heaviness in my life recently, that i either haven’t been laughing much, or haven’t noticed. cancer humor makes some people uncomfortable; however, i’m learning that since cancer is pretty central to my life right now, it feels necessary – in fact healing – be able to laugh about it.
i recently finished amy poehler’s autobiography, yes please. i’m currently into light reads. if i can get a laugh-out-loud, its a winner. i’ve graduated from magazines, but certainly not venturing into sophisticated literacy (sorry, amy!). so… this was perfect for me. she is super funny. she tackled the subject of her divorce by suggesting titles for books on getting through a divorce.
which gave me an idea.
just like amy, i’ve always wanted to write a book. my most recent cancer experiences have given me loads of content. i thought i would share a few that i’m considering submitting:
THERE IS A MOUNTAIN LION IN MY FRIDGE, and other stories. this anthology of short stories, inspired by true events, will include riveting, surprising and edge-of-your-seat thrillers such as:
- there is an effing mountain lion chasing me up an effing mountain, eff
- i just went to the fridge to get a snack
- just because i can sprint up a mountain doesn’t mean i should have to
- so i beat the mountain lion, but now i’m sick, exhausted and alone at the top of a mountain
- now i’m scared to open the fridge
p.s. click on the link above to read quite possibly the most accurate metaphor for cancer that i’ve heard. thanks to a dear, dear friend for sending it my way!
HOW NOT TO DIE FROM MELANOMA, a step by step how-to guide. this practical guide will take you through the fundamentals, such as:
- don’t spend your summers as a teenager outside as a lifeguard, every day all day, even if you don’t burn
- take off any mole that looks weird/feels weird, even if the dermatologist doesn’t seem concerned
- buy floppy wide brimmed hats, even if they make your hair flat
- wear sunscreen, even if it makes you feel greasy and gives you acne
EVERYTHING GIVES YOU CANCER, an uplifting read, found in the self-help section of the bookstore, with chapters entitled:
- sugar is evil, dairy is the devil, and carbs cause cancer
- how to avoid the sun entirely while still being outside
- get your laptop off your lap, because it could be giving you cancer
- down with deodorant: is it worse to be sweaty or sick?
- every breath you take: the cancer-causing toxins all around us
AN ODE TO HATE, an anthology of poems on the topic of hatred. with fair warning, the following people/places/topics will be portrayed in an unflattering light:
- the dermatologist who ignored the mole on my left shoulder when i asked her about it two years ago. pure hatred for her, because if she had taken it off, we could have avoided this whole debacle.
- the original mole itself. what kind of mole would want to destroy its own home? why did it become an evil mole out to get me? what did i ever do it it?
- the infamous local agent. i waited three weeks for a decision from my insurance company, and each time i asked about the delay, they simply told me that there was an issue with communication with the “local agent”. is this local agent a spy? i wish they were. then i would train to fight them.
- wifi in canada. how is it possible that there is better wifi in rural thailand than in not-so-north canada?
CO-HABITATING WITH PARENTS, what not to do. so everyone can learn from my mistakes, a what not-to-do guide that will include tips such as:
- do not criticize overuse of ziplock bags, excessive whistling, the deafeningly loud volume of the television or inefficient ‘looking’ for lost items.
- do not say anything you are thinking out loud, in fact.
- do not turn down a cup of coffee after dinner, even if it tastes like tar or water.
- do not let your parents do your laundry and grocery shopping, as much as they would like to do it for you. you are an adult, of course. lulu lemon clothes will inevitably get put in the dryer, and you won’t get the low-sugar brand of granola that you want.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING/DOING THE WRONG THING. we can pretend that there is no wrong thing to do when someone has cancer. but sometimes there is. this adult style picture book will be a book of gratitude for everything and anything people have done wrong, just to show them how much i appreciate them!
disclaimer: if any of you have said or done these things. do not worry! i didn’t know it was the wrong thing until it happened, and so in that way, it was the right thing, because it taught me something. the other thing to remember is that the wrong thing for one person may not be the wrong thing for another. just to overcomplicate matters.
thank you’s will go out to people for the following:
- thank you for saying cancer is my demise. excellent and very specific word choice. gold star.
- thank you for the advice on how to avoid getting cancer. i’ll remember that for next time.
- thank you for feeding me SO MUCH food to help me feel better. now my pants feel tight, which only adds to my fun.
- thank you for telling me the story about the person you know who is fighting cancer, and isn’t winning. it really perked me up.
- thank you for spending days with me and never asking me once about myself. i loved hearing all about you. i didn’t really want to talk about cancer anyway.
TREAT YOUR CANCER LIKE A BAD BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND, which you may find in the health/wellness section of the bookstore under c – for cancer; or self-help section next to “treat your bad boyfriend/girlfriend like a cancer”. chapters include:
- be happy that he/she is just not that into you!
- if he/she is looking elsewhere, let ’em go. you dodged a bullet!
- the skinny on ignoring attention seeking behaviors!
- ghosting: the future of cancer cures! (all chapters must end with an exclamation point for emphasis!!)
i don’t think any of these book proposals have real legs. but it made me chuckle to imagine them on the shelf.
in the spirit of cancer humor, and amy poehler, if you want to watch the funniest thing, go back to this oldie/goodie from the SNL archives.
*the photo above was taken in sydney, australia in october 2017 at the sculptures by the sea exhibit near bondi beach. a timely reminder!
