little victories.

a few months ago, i ran into my oncologist at a cafe.  it was one of those obvious but funny moments when you realize “doctors are people too!”  they go out for coffee, buy donuts, and spend times with their partners.  i didn’t expect him to recognize me, but he did.  he was gracious, introduced me to his wife, and went on his way.  the cafe is in an affluent part of town, is too good to have wifi, and sells gourmet donuts.  it feels like it is designed to be photographed for instagram and is called little victories.

since then, victories – both big and small – have been on my mind.

i had a PET scan two weeks ago, and was waiting for the results this past week.  a PET scan is different from a CT scan as it is specifically designed to pick up cancer (you get injected with a radioactive isotope, which is crazy).  we knew the results would likely be inconclusive, as the nodule in my lungs that they are worried about is small (6mm).  however, i was done with being hopeful.  having the rug pulled out from under me last month was almost too much to bear.  i feared i would not recover emotionally if i received crushing results that were unexpected.  so, this time i took a different approach: i convinced myself that the cancer was everywhere.  i assumed the absolute worst.  i’m sure a counselor would say this was not necessarily the most healthy way of handling it, but it is what i did.  i was in a very dark place for the days leading up to my appointment.  i felt like my life was in shambles and my emotions were being held together with scotch tape, like a badly wrapped holiday gift.  i received a number of texts wishing me well before my appointment and one friend wrote: it is so hard being brave.  IT SURE IS.  we talk about bravery with kids all the time – the courage to ask a friend to play, or use the monkey bars.  but SERIOUSLY, bravery doesn’t get any easier with age.  and the level of bravery required to walk into an office and hear life changing results is almost crippling.

i’m someone who has had a relatively charmed life, and a life full of “victories” (not literal wins per say – but lots of good).  i have been so busy being happy and living so hard.  i’ve celebrate BIG life changes, international moves, promotions at work.  however, in these last months, i have shifted.  i have learned to celebrate the moments of quiet, unseen bravery (as dr. rebecca ray would say).  the little victories like getting out of bed even with that deep dark pit, getting to 10,000 steps when it is cold outside, and walking into a doctor’s office for results when i would literally prefer to do almost anything else.

i won’t make you wait: the PET results were inconclusive.  we still do not know if this pesky lung nodule is melanoma or not.  we are suspicious.  my case is being referred to thoracic surgery for next steps (possibly the ‘wait and see’ approach OR possibly the ‘under the knife’ approach).   as is my new normal, i will have to accept more waiting.  more uncertainty.

but there were many other little victories that day: i physically got myself to the appointment without collapsing, i laughed once or (even) twice while we were waiting for my oncologist to arrive, and most importantly – the cancer had not spread everywhere.

and there have been many others worth celebrating:

the first time i slept on the left side of my body, and i didn’t get lymphedema.  yoga class a few weeks ago, when i held downward dog for the same amount of time as everyone else.  seeing the leaves change in the fall for the first time in 13 years.  last month, getting a double dose of immunotherapy, and not having the flu-like side effects i had had the time before.  exercising my civic duty and voting in the municipal elections for the first time in years.  not yet having to take the prescribed ativan that i keep in my purse.  finding out that my insurance company would cover the cost of my expensive nivolumab immunotherapy.  meeting my peer-to-peer melanoma support buddy for a coffee, and for the first time since my diagnosis, feeling completely heard and understood.

and then last week,

the biggest little victory of all,

finding out that the news wasn’t worse.

*this photo was taken in bangkok, on sukhumvit road, in march or april of 2018.  this past year, one of my goals was to learn how to use my digital SLR camera on a manual setting.  i paid for a private instructor for a few sessions.  this picture was a little victory in itself: the first time i was even remotely successful with the technique of panning (used to capture action: when the subject is in focus and the background is a blur).  my heart aches for the beautiful chaos of that city!