19 for 2019.

as 2019 has gotten well underway, i have been searching for a way to make sense of my life. the uncertainty makes it difficult to plan much of anything. i feel slightly unsettled and in-between. i look back at who i was at the beginning of 2018: cautiously optimistic after a cancer scare, unabashedly hopeful about what was to come. little did i know that the year would take unexpectedly dark and twisty turns.

i rung in the 2019 new year on a yoga mat. the instructor had us reflect back on 2018, and i got very emotional. i realized i was angry. angry at my body and angry at 2018. i had so many goals that became collateral damage from those few rogue cells. my 18 for 2018 list had been infiltrated by cancer, so many bullet points unfinished. yes, i did cross off donate hair and read 18 books, but the biggies were incomplete. its not like me to leave a to do list undone.

at the end of the yoga class, our teacher suggested we might say an intention for the year. she offered one for us: “i am at peace with 2018“. i could not say it. i could not think it. life was good for me until 2018. i would prefer if 2018 would jump off a bridge or crumple up into a ball that i could throw in the garbage.

a couple of weeks ago, the poet mary oliver passed away. her language around grief, sorrow, death and beauty cut right to my soul:

from The Summer Day
"I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do 
with your one wild and precious life?"
-Mary Oliver

we all have just one wild and precious life. and while mary oliver’s question in the final two lines of her poem is about doing, i try to remember the first half of her poem, which is all about being. sitting in the grass, watching a grasshopper closely.

this year, my goals won’t be as big and lofty. they aren’t big BUCKET LIST travel items, mostly because i don’t want to be heartbroken again if they don’t happen. most of these (i believe) are realistic and many can be done even if i feel a bit crappy. some goals will be productivity oriented, others will be reminders for how i want to live my life more broadly:

1. live with gratitude and grace each day, as much as i am able. this includes regularly telling the people in my life how grateful i am for them, not being hard on myself when i’m not feeling grateful and texting my mom three things i’m grateful for as often as i can.
2. read 19 books, including: man’s search for meaning by victor frankl, inheritance by dani shapiro, it’s okay that you’re not okay by megan devine and the bright hour by nina riggs.
3. figure out how to grow sprouts and/or incorporate them into my diet regularly. particularly broccoli sprouts as they have incredible cancer-fighting properties.
4. watch breaking bad – the whole thing – since i missed the boat a few years ago. i’m not the best at sitting around and watching TV so i hope this is the right show. if breaking bad isn’t feeling right for a binge watch, i may change to a more light hearted choice that i’ve never seen such as parks and recreation. ideas welcome!
5. keep my visa paid off. i’ve never had to worry about money before. but when you are investigating cancer treatment, and you find out the astronomical costs, AND you are doing lots of complimentary therapies, i need to be more responsible.
6. make a cup of decaf green tea every night and enjoy it with a few pages of my book, or over writing, or over sitting. take it cup by cup. i have clearly figured out how to drink coffee. my mum has always had a tea drinking ritual in the evenings that i find very comforting.
7. finish a coffee table book of my time in mexico, which has been in my thoughts for 8 years. gretchen rubin, author of the the happiness project, says that ‘something that can be done at any time is often done at no time’. i think this is why this project constantly gets put off. or maybe, it is because over time, the potency/urgency of this project has diminished. it is still important for me to capture my time in mexico in some way in 2019.
8. write a will. ensure my family knows my wishes. let’s be honest, i’m so the type that would plan my own funeral.
9. for real give up added refined sugar. or, at least as much as is humanly possible without having to eat paper and/or plastic. you get my drift. sugar is not a great combination with cancer.
10. do a month long green smoothie challenge. i love smoothies. in bangkok i made them every single morning. i have started to have some bowel issues recently, likely related to immunotherapy or the change in food when i came back to thailand. so, this one will have to wait a bit until my digestion settles down.
11. travel to newfoundland (if my health allows for it). after seeing come from away, and then having some serendipitous new relationships that connect me to the island, it is where i’m feeling drawn. plus, there is epic hiking. in another life, my 19 for 2019 would have been all travel related. i want to go hiking in nepal, sapa and bhutan. i want to ride a motorbike in sri lanka. i want to do yoga in india. but there are too many unknowns this year to put travel at the top of my list.
12. post on this blog twice a month. be brave and circulate it a bit more widely. figure out what i’m trying to say. sort out mail chimp so people get a nicer email to their inbox if they are subscribed.
13. get certified as a cognitive coaching agency trainer. some of you know i have been working towards this goal for 7 years with my good friend kim. my work with cognitive coaching has fundamentally changed the way i listen, ask questions and communicate in general. it would be such an honour to be certified to be able to teach this class on our own!
14. take a writing class. so much has happened lately that is well beyond the scope of this blog, and i want to look at it closely, turn it inside out, and capture it somehow. i have been fascinated by people who are able to write memoirs when they have been given a terminal diagnosis; or people who write bravely and vulnerably to process their grief/trauma. writing is a muscle we need to flex, and a writing class would provide the accountability i need.
15. be mindful. as i’ve said before, when you fear you no longer have a long future, your relationship with the present changes. i want to be present and mindful as often as possible. this includes a combination of: moving slowly, using the 1 second every day video app, practicing transcendental medication, going to yoga, and listening to guided visualizations.
16. use the manual setting of my digital SLR. i started this goal last year, and then once i started feeling fluent with it – i got sidelined. to be continued.
17. use my new found perspective on life in positive ways, particularly at work. inspire myself and others to take ourselves less seriously, and let happiness ensue from the meaning in our work/lives. mentally rehearse the TED talk of my dreams that i would give if i could.
18. reach out in specific and meaningful ways when others are grieving. through this experience, i have realized i can do better. empathy is medicine.
19. get back to bangkok, stand at the top of my street and whisper, “i am here”.

i may not come to terms with the events of 2018 for a long time, and that’s okay. being a lover of lists, the idea of a 19 for 2019 appealed to me. but what appeals to me the most is to live every day of 2019 connected with those that i love, doing what brings me a sense of purpose and meaning.

what will you do with your one wild and precious life?

*i captured this precious moment on a trip to myanmar in 2011. may this year bring us all pure joy and infectious laughter.