4 goods and a bad.

i’m on the plane on my way back to ottawa after three and a half weeks on the road in europe.  have i packed too much in?  likely.  are some people worried about me pushing myself too hard?  probably.  am i the happiest and most fulfilled i have been in over a year?  absolutely.  

this is the reclaiming my life tour.  it was my first time in a year away from my doctors.  it was my first foray back into the conference circuit, and engaging professionally with other international educators.  it was the first time in quite some time where i have felt a sense of freedom.  my adventurous spirit, which has been buried deep, has had the courage to show itself again.  it has been so refreshing not to be restricted by cancer, by limitations, by fear, by anxiety, by surgeries, by the unknown.  

over the past few weeks, my energy has been higher than it has ever been while on immunotherapy.  my digestive issues haven’t been as limiting.  my anxious feelings around flying have dissipated.  

not only do i feel more like myself, but cancer hasn’t been creeping into my thoughts more than a few times a day.  

after one year of really going nowhere, in some ways, i had lost my confidence.  i had become nervous about everything.  four weeks ago i was afraid to get on a plane.  i was afraid i would stop breathing out of nowhere and drop dead if i wasn’t close to a hospital.  i was afraid that my exhaustion would be limiting and i wouldn’t have enough energy to teach or explore new places.  

after so much bad, it has been several weeks of so much good.  

good number one:  marrying one of my best friends.  

it is not quite the way it sounds.  i didn’t get married.  nor am i legally certified to perform marriages.  but, i did officiate a small, intimate wedding for one of my closest friends.  it was one of the greatest honors of my life.  i don’t think i’ve found a new profession; however, having that experience is something i will never forget.  they are a couple that loves love, and i adore them!  looking at them looking at each other, it was like looking into a hopeful future.  in those moments, it is impossible not to believe that love is the reason that we live.  

good number two:  fresh pesto in genoa.  

i went to back to genoa to teach cognitive coaching, as well as to take a few courses.  what keeps me coming back to genoa year after year is the food.  (and, of course, the lovely international educators who welcome us into their family, and share their undiscovered city with us.)  i love pesto almost more than any other food (sundried tomatoes are up there too).  there is something about the savory combination – the saltiness from the cheese, the aromatic freshness from the herbs.  it has always been my ‘go to’ to make when i’m stressed.  this time, i had it on a pizza, at a local trattoria.  it was perfect.  the pizza wasn’t overloaded with cheese, or with other ingredients.  pesto was the main event.  it was simple, and intensely flavorful.  my low residue diet has been hard in some places, but it was not hard (at all) in italy.  if i could have, i would have eaten pesto at every meal.  

good number three:  wandering around lisbon.  

in my week off between my course in italy and my course in london, i added a new country to my list.  portugal!  i love exploring new places.  i felt giddy.  luckily, i was traveling with a friend who i’ve known for more than half my life, and he was up for anything.  we wandered, sometimes aimlessly, and other times, with a destination.  we sat on rooftop bars, took pictures, did crosswords, and caught up.  i love meandering along cobblestone streets, peeking into cafes, finding plaques to read, and soaking up the culture of a place.  somehow, my soul requires this.  seeing a tree in the distance and deciding to walk to find it.  stumbling upon street art, in a forgotten corner.  eating pastel de nata each morning, at a new bakery.  trying to find the restaurant you saw on the first night, that looked so authentic.  opening the shutters, putting your feet up at the end of a long day, and listening to the revelry below, entirely content not to be a part of it.  

good number four:  seeing the musical ‘hamilton’ in london.  

i’m not sure i wrote about it here; but, last summer, i was supposed to have been in london (uk) for a month.  i had rented an air bnb, invited friends to join me, and booked tickets to a musical that had wanted to see for a long time, hamilton.  unfortunately, when the cancer creeped in, i had to cancel everything.  flights.  tickets.  bookings.  courses.  as someone who hates letting people down, this was crushing.  as someone who hates missing out, this was even more devastating.  when i realized i might have the chance to see hamilton this summer while i was in london teaching a course, i jumped at booking a solo ticket.  hamilton has become a sensation, and for good reason.  it was unlike anything i have seen before.  the writing was exceptional, i learned tons about american history, and it was the perfect blend of hip hop, r & b, and good old fashioned broadway.  

only bad:  lymphedema.  

since i have no lymph nodes in my left axilla, i’m at higher risk for developing lymphedema.  lymphedema is permanent, and typically involves the swelling of a limb.  all year, i have been hyper fixated on my arm swelling, examining it daily.  i read everything about lymphedema, avoided anything that might bring it on, and catastrophized what it would mean to get it.  permanent swelling would be a daily physical reminder of cancer, an unattractive and unfair side effect to an already shitty diagnosis.  my focus on my left arm was so all-consuming, that i did not notice that my left breast was getting bigger.  in the irony of all ironies – the girl that does not need larger boobs – has had a left breast enhancement!  at first i was upset, and concerned it would be difficult to manage.  i’ve had to investigate compression garments, lymphatic drainage massage, and swell spots (which are essentially little bra inserts that i use at night, and for flying).  at times it gets itchy, the skin gets taut, and some days it is uncomfortable. other days, i don’t even notice it.  fortunately, when i’m fully clothed, it is pretty hard to tell.  in fact, most women have one breast that is larger than another.  is it the end of the world?  of course not.  but really?  boob lymphedema?  thanks cancer.  that’s super annoying.  

last year at this time my bad ratio was much higher than my good.  and it feels incredible that a year later, it is reversed.  i’m not taking this run of good for granted.  i know how quickly it can change.  i see others with my same diagnosis who have been sidelined by immunotherapy side effects – or worse – their treatment isn’t working at all.  for some, a run of bad that won’t end with a good.  

cancer, you’re taking the back seat for awhile (ideally for a long long time… wouldn’t that be nice?).  i’ve always been better in the driver’s seat.  

back to reclaiming my life. 

*lisbon views, june 2019. even the wispy clouds were good!