i’ve always believed that grammatical rules are made to be broken. i am currently reading a novel that doesn’t use any quotations marks for dialogue, and another novel that uses run-on sentences liberally. i predict that within the next decade, we won’t even teach grammar rules in school. for now, i am comforted by the fact that i (mostly!) know the rules; but can make stylistic choices and break them when i want to. i am a grown woman, after all. there deserves to be some benefits that come with the crippling pressure of adulthood, right?!
on capital letters.
you may be very annoyed that on this blog, i don’t use capital letters. i am not lazy, and it is not a mistake. i do, in fact, know how to use conventional capitalization! the choice is stylistic, and very intentional. first of all, typing in this way allows me to separate my personal, more intimate voice from my professional voice. i would never write an email to faculty at work without capitalization. it allows me to feel less constrained by limitations, to be more open, vulnerable and informal. it feels more like real life – like a conversation with friends or family. i am able to write more ‘stream of consciousness’ when i am not burdened by rules. also, visually, i find it pleasing. i like that it is unexpected; and honestly, i like that it makes some people feel slightly uncomfortable. i’ve never been someone that follows all the rules. there is a slight bit of tension when writers push the boundaries, and i see that tension as energy the hopefully jumps off the screen and into your heart.
if an agent ever approached me and wanted to publish my work, would i agree to follow the rules? well, OBVIOUSLY, it would be shocking that someone would want to publish my work. BUT, i don’t know if i’d change my style. maybe. it would be an interesting debate. if i was publishing an article in an educational journal i would certainly follow the rules. again, it is my two voices. my two selves. perhaps, for me, it is like writing under a pseudonym. it gives me a sense of freedom within the uncertainty and makes me feel edgy-ish.
on past tense.
sometimes it feels like everyone is desperate for me to talk about cancer in the past tense.
so, you’re all good now? people ask. ask is probably the wrong word. is that even a question, or just an embedded statement?
people also say: you seem fine! you look great! does it make you realize you can worry less?
or am i just projecting? maybe it is actually me. ME. desperately yearning to talk about cancer in the past tense. i want it to be a story i tell about something that happened one time, a long time ago. a story that doesn’t even feel like it was about me.
a friend of mine said that it is very possible that i don’t have a single cancer cell left in my body; therefore, the cancer is a thing of the past. but; i’m still on active treatment for 6 more weeks. i don’t feel ready to talk about it in the past tense. it’s like a bad boyfriend that i desperately want to break up with but just can’t seem to shake.
in our culture, we are uncomfortable with any illness that is chronic or high risk, so we tend to talk about illness in very clear terms — people are sick, they take medicine, and then they get better. how uncomfortable that melanoma doesn’t really work that way. people say that i look so much better now, and while i appreciate that; i didn’t ever look all that sick in the first place. i did have a dark cloud over my life – worries and anxiety as i grappled with big life questions. physically i look the same, but my spirit feels different. emotionally i am more myself. i am also better at managing fatigue, remembering to take my supplements, managing my digestion, and not thinking of dying from cancer all the time.
for now, i still have cancer. i’m in the present tense. but soon – very soon – i will get to say for the very first time: “i had cancer.” even now, saying it out loud to myself, it feels like it will be the best break-up i’ve ever had!
*photo taken at the cottage, in the fall of 2018, by my mom. it is my favorite place in the whole world. i feel so grateful that i had a whole week there last month with my family going for walks, playing games, reading, writing and going boat exploring. unlike cancer, the cottage is the constant in my life. the place with the best memories, and the place with many more to come.
