here in thailand, there has not been a locally transmitted case of COVID-19 in weeks, so life has been opening up. cafes, restaurants, and even bars are now open. domestic travel is being encouraged since our borders are still essentially closed. i feel grateful to live in a country where people wear masks consistently, and have appropriate safety precautions in place.
however, it was about a quarter of a year that we spent in isolation. at the time, many people said we would want a journal to capture this moment in history. so, starting on march 17, 2020, i wrote a sentence, or a few sentences, each day. when i started, my parents were still here in thailand for their visit, and i stopped around the time of my april monitoring scans.
my one sentence pandemic journal, unedited:
march 17, 2020: they announced today that school is closed indefinitely. for the next two weeks, they are closing gyms, bars, massage parlors (NO!!!); yet, as i walked home from the gym tonight, my street was as busy as ever. there was no social distancing in the restaurants and bars. the BTS skytrain was still full.
march 18, 2020: i don’t know how people work from home. there is not enough variety. especially with people around who are constantly interrupting, or walking behind when i’m in a video chat. i don’t have an office so i can either sit outside on the balcony, in my comfy armchair, or at the kitchen table. at the end of the day i dragged my mom out for a walk and we walked down the green path, all the way around lumphini park, and back. it took an hour and a half and even though i felt sweaty, i felt great. we passed lots of people.
march 19, 2020: i’m exhausted from sitting on my sofa, in zoom calls. these are longer work hours than normal, with no movement; and i didn’t get outside for a walk. my parents got on their flight this morning, and it actually took off, which is a miracle and a relief. it was weird saying goodbye to them. i know they feel safer here, and that they only left because they would have lost their insurance. having them fly makes me nervous, i’ll be more settled when they land.
march 20, 2020: i’m worried about being the kind of leader that people trust and turn to in a crisis. i hope we can inspire and instill a sense of confidence in our judgement and vision for how to move through this. i keep thinking what i would do/say if i was a head of school. the united states raised their status to level 4, which is a global travel health advisory. rumors have been flying. this is the same travel advisory that canada put out last week, but the american one has a different, tone. more strongly worried. feels scary.
march 21, 2020: they announced today that malls and restaurants will be closing. i felt the urge to go to the store, but i don’t really need anything. i met some friends out for dinner. we weren’t sure if we should go… were we going to be the crazy people who went out for dinner? but actually, it felt very human to get dressed up, go to a restaurant and have conversations somewhere other than on a screen. the waiters were wearing masks, and we were practically the only table in the restaurant! it felt good to get out before it is possible that we won’t be able to for a long time.
march 22, 2020: my boss called me today and asked if i wanted to go back to canada since technically, i am in the vulnerable population. i hadn’t considered it until he asked and then i felt the very faint edge of a panic attack. i was having trouble sitting still, wanting to be doing something. what if my cancer comes back? i’ve had good treatment here, but if they close the borders for a long time, and my cancer were to come back, that would be utterly terrifying. this was also the first day i video chatted with four of our siblings. it felt so comfortable and familiar, as if we had talked as a group numerous times before.
monday, march 23: we did our first ever fully virtual professional learning day with faculty today. i was up until 3:30 in the morning preparing; the first almost all-nighter i’ve pulled in awhile. we did a full zoom with the ES faculty. after a very intense few hours of running sessions, answering questions virtually, and not really moving, i went for a walk. it was surreal. everything was closed, except for 7-11 and the grocery store. our elevator has four squares taped on the ground — we are supposed to stand in four corners and face the wall to avoid transmission. i am finding myself restless. when i chew, i am afraid i will not be able to swallow. i am quite isolated here, and when i think about that, it makes me sad.
tuesday, march 23: i went for a run today. i ran up two streets that i have never been all the way down, soi 12 and soi 14. the run was challenging but it felt so good to move and look around. i only managed 4km. they announced that on thursday, there will be a state of emergency in thailand. it will likely involve some sort of lockdown, or curfew. we don’t really know.
wednesday, march 24: this situation is an extroverts nightmare. thank goodness some visitors came over last night – they picked up pizzas and wine, and we sat away from each other, and caught up. i don’t think it was irresponsible. we drank a couple of glasses of wine. with the state of emergency beginning tomorrow, there could be restriction of movement, so i decided to do a big grocery shop. i filled my cart. i probably didn’t need all that much food, but it is hard not to get swept up in the mentality of scarcity. i needed delivery, but they didn’t have a driver available. instead, they pulled a random motorcycle driver off the street and i paid him 80 baht to drive my groceries home. he made it with two huge boxes strapped to his bike!
thursday, march 25: they sent us an email to tell us that there is a COVID-19 case in my condo building. immediately, it made me feel like my world just got a lot smaller. no one is allowed in my building anymore, so my mae bahn can no longer come to work. more cleaning for me! i worry about feeling claustrophobic, or even becoming scared to go outside. on the other hand, i don’t want to be reckless, and given my health situation, i probably should be taking this more seriously. i’m considering stopping my walks outside, and moving everything indoors. but then, i worry about my mental health, and the sense of isolation. i wish it wasn’t in my building! the back of my throat feels a bit off, kind of like my glands are swollen. do i have the virus? what else could i be fighting? i’m rather skilled at not following these thoughts, but i have thought them. i meditated today for the first time in months and months. it was hard, but made a big difference.
friday, march 26: i drove to work today. it felt right and good to be in the car, even though the movement didn’t come naturally at first. for bangkok, traffic was great; however, the roads were not as empty as i expected them to be. we are only allowed to go to work for essentials: i had an important meeting and also wanted to pick up kids books from school. i spent several hours in the evening struggling with technology: there is no excuse with all this time not to solve the problems that i’ve been avoiding. i made a screencast for teachers that took 3 tries, and i still made a mistake. making a 10 minute video is more than an hour of work. at least at the beginning. i wanted to watch succession, so i spent an hour trying to sort out HBO and my VPN. in the end, i failed and went to bed after watching half an episode of brooklyn 99. thank goodness for the internet.
saturday, march 27: this morning i slept in late, which i needed. i’ve been sleeping so heavy and waking up a bit groggy. today i am focused on doing things for myself: sleeping, reading, shaving, the free happiness class that i signed up for online. there is an overwhelming amount of content and free resources online. it is almost impossible to filter and focus. i have decided to start with yoga: i did an hour long yoga class with the down dog app. i also connected with a friend this morning, and have a phone date with two people tonight. it feels great to bookend my days with people i love.
sunday, march 28: there is a whole prep i go through as i leave the apartment now: mask, hand sanitizer, earphones set up, and anything i need so that i don’t need to touch my body. i use my elbow to press the elevator button. when i got downstairs, i saw that the whole lobby had been closed off, and there were people in full haz-mat suits. when i returned from my walk, i saw the sign that we had a second case in my building. i felt a bit anxious and realized i should probably self-isolate. then, at 8 pm, i heard a noise… and thank goodness, i went out onto the balcony and people were clapping and cheering. i almost cried. what a beautiful, communal experience to have as my world is closing in.
monday, march 29: my first full day of not leaving the apartment. i decided to do a 14 day self-isolation. it is funny… there have been days before where i haven’t left the apartment; but it was always by choice. now, knowing that i shouldn’t, all of a sudden it makes me feel panicky. i got emotional today… real tears. it wasn’t supposed to be this way. the school year isn’t supposed to end this way. i love chatting virtually, but some people are not aware of the background noise – very distracting! being home all the time, i have a lot of cleaning to do. i did dishes three times today alone! SO MANY HOURS OF MY DAY!
tuesday, march 30: tonight, while alone in a condo in bangkok, i zoomed into a yoga class that was live in kansas city. there were more than 10 yogis in the class, each in their house. it was night here and day there. we were all alone in our houses. but we were alone, together. on the mat.
wednesday, april 1: i have a to do list for every day, and a list for some days. it is so satisfying to tick them off. i made enchiladas today from scratch — i didn’t have tomato paste so i had to improvise and use salsa instead. somehow it worked! one of my projects is to make recipes from the cookbooks i actually have. day 3 of not actually leaving the house. i am constantly looking up good news and finding meaningful links and productive tasks to fill my day with — not that there is much day left to fill after work.
thursday, april 2: i miss the little chats you get with people. the quick connections. the hallway conversations. i started leaving some voice memos and emailing them to people just because there is such comfort in voices. plus, to be honest, i’m tired of typing. my neck hurts. my upper back hurts. there is no massage, and no change in the foreseeable future. tonight i chatted with a friend and i roasted brussel sprouts. so far i still have lots of fresh food. but it won’t be fresh for long.
friday, april 3: what a day. what did i do when i had to commute? the work hours get sucked up, well into the evening. my dishes have piled up, and laundry needs to be done. i’m losing my hair more than normal so it is reminding me of that old dashboard confessional song. i haven’t done yoga in three days, like i promised myself. i did get to meet a new sister… we spoke for almost two and a half hours! i got to meet tons of her kids. it was easy, and time disappeared.
saturday, april 4: i’ve been so spoiled. today, after a week of not having my mae bahn come – i had some work to do. i was picking up hair from the ground, sweeping, doing three loads of laundry, scrubbing toilets and doing dishes for what felt like an eternity. thank goodness for podcasts and audiobooks.
sunday, april 5: everyone talks about how this could go on for months. it makes me feel unsettled thinking of it. but, there are also so many positives, too. i’m getting more sleep. i’m spending my weekends on video chats with friends and family. i’m getting to know my new siblings. i’m learning lots about technology. i’m cooking recipes from the cookbooks on my shelf. i’ve got time every day to go through drawers and shelves. i’m enjoying the free content online: from feel good youtube videos to celebrity interviews done at home to free workouts to free webinars and professional learning. i’m appreciating my apartment and the beautiful home i’ve created here. i’m learning a lot about leadership and managing a crisis. i’m becoming a technology coach, a public relations consultant and a counselor. i’ve got successful strategies from when i was diagnosed with cancer — so i am turning to what works.
monday, april 6: i don’t feel well. i have a headache. my back and neck hurts. my mouth is back to having that weird feeling. i think i’m getting a UTI. i had to pee half a dozen times before i went to bed. is it from all this sitting on comfy chairs? from having my laptop on my lap? or is it something worse? maybe i’m just tired.
tuesday, april 7: sweet, sweet relief. we had a really hard virtual faculty meeting today. it went as well as it could have, all things considered. everything with work feels so high stakes. what does a modern virtual faculty meeting look like? it looks like me talking at a computer, and having no read of the room. it looks like breakout rooms that bring people joy. it looks like muting and unmuting. it looks like memes, and screen sharing and volleying back and forth with the other facilitators. this is more serious than anyone realizes. there is no way we are going back to school this year. i need a freaking desk.
wednesday, april 8: there were a few moments today i was fairly certain i going to lose it. it has been a stressful few days of work, and this afternoon and evening, i wanted some distance from it. but…. i have nowhere to go. in the span of three hours, i lay on my bed and read a chapter of my book, drank a beer while ordering online groceries, organized a part of my closet while listening to an audio book, washed the dishes, checked my app version of scrabble three times, checked my emails a few more, made dinner, crossed things off my list, recorded a read aloud on video, recorded a video message, and plucked my eyebrows. at one point, i texted my friend and asked if she was awake. it feels like i have restless leg syndrome, but with my whole body and soul. i miss space, and crowds, and busy-ness, and productivity, and my senses being stimulated, and having my body feel physically tired from a long day (rather than just my neck hurting from not having an appropriate work space at home). i’m glad my friend answered the phone because just listening to the chaos in her house made me feel calmer. today i am restless. today i am not okay.
thursday, april 9: they announced they are banning alcohol sales for ten days in thailand. umm. really? i am not drinking that much these days but this immediately made me feel anxious. it seems rather excessive and controlling. a nice couple in my building wrote to me and asked if i wanted any alcohol picked up. i had them get me three bottles, and i paid them with an envelope under the door of my building. i was so touched by the gesture! such small acts of kindness make all the difference right now. i guess the alcohol ban is because sonkran as officially been cancelled, and the government is probably worried that people will party anyways.
friday, april 10: each day i am trying to clean out or organize one small part of my apartment. today was my suitcase cupboard. it didn’t take long, but in the process, i found a watch in my travel backpack that i hadn’t used since i went to chile!! i figured that watch was long gone. even though i don’t really wear watches much anymore, it still made me happy. dua lipa released a “live” video of her and her backup singers and dancers doing a performance all from their homes. it was recorded somehow and put together almost like a zoom call. it was amazing! i am sure it was all lip-synching, but the dancing made me want to make a music video. i love how dancing alone at home makes me feel like i could do anything.
saturday, april 11: today was the first day in weeks and weeks that i only wrote two work emails. what a relief. i finished a book, had chats on zoom, cooked a ton, did laundry, cleaned the house, watched jesus christ superstar, and did my weekly science of wellbeing course. today’s lectures were really good… all about the annoying features of our brain that stop us from being as happy as we could be. a couple of big insights from my angle: that usually what our intuition tells us about what will make us happier is actually wrong. another big aha was our psychological immune system… which essentially says that we are able to adapt to, and cope with negative life experiences much better than we expect to. ultimately, we are resilient beings. which could be another explanation for why i’m not falling apart right now. on another note, i also had a massive breakthrough in poached eggs, which was one of my quarantine goals!! did you know that the water doesn’t need to be boiling??? what a HUGE insight.
sunday, april 12: is this a dream? i felt like that a few times during my diagnosis. this has been life for 5 weeks and it still doesn’t feel real. i’ve officially not left my apartment in 14 days. my 14 day self isolation is done and i never got sick. it is easter. i feel like there is some parallel with the story of easter… she has RISEN! i am hesitating going out for my walk because i want to relish it. it feels like such a foreign world. i am supposed to go and have a drink with a couple in my building and i’m actually dreading it. you would think i would be desperate for social connection after so long.
monday, april 13: i went outside today, twice. the first time i didn’t actually really notice. i had a desk and chair delivered to me from work. it is a bit squishy in my living room now, but it is infinitely more comfortable. i went down to the lobby and went back upstairs with the desk before i even realized that had been the first time i had been down in two weeks! and then, a few hours later, i went for a walk in the rain. i didn’t even carry an umbrella! i went with a mission to be outside, notice any changes in bangkok, and pick up a few items at the store. it was supposed to be songkran today so it felt appropriate to be getting soaking wet.
tuesday, april 14: today was the fourth day of a four day weekend. the work started revving back up… but i didn’t mind because i have a proper desk space!! today i never showered, and now i feel gross. my pedicure is growing out, and my nails are a mess. i need need to get a hair cut. my eyebrows need to be trimmed. i’m a bit of a mess.
wednesday, april 15: i can’t seem to stop watching webinars.
thursday, april 16: i love doing zoom classroom visits and being with kids. i miss them.
friday, april 17: being online, i’ve lost my superpower of connection. i’ve lost my ability to read body language. while it is incredible what we can do digitally, there is a huge piece missing.
saturday, april 18: being inside has become so normal that sometimes i forget to go outside. how is that even possible?
sunday, april 19: today we had a zoom with all 6 siblings! we call ourselves the ‘new sibs’. i also went to a coffee shop for the first time in weeks. you can’t sit down, but you can buy coffee.
monday, april 20: i joined the online training that my gym is offering. the accountability of trainers that i know, live on zoom, is much better for me than all these apps and pre-recorded workouts.
tuesday, april 21: i’m on zoom so much that sometimes i forget that i’m on camera.
wednesday, april 22: why can’t i stop do-do-doing, and just be-be-being? i know that i can stop and sit in the sadness of my life (i do that through writing, or yoga, or meditation), but at all other moments of the day i always want to keep busy. today, i caught myself watching a webinar AND organizing my jewelry AND talking on the phone with a friend.
thursday, april 23: i fell asleep with my lights on last night. it reminded me of when i was a kid and i would fall asleep reading. i wanted to wake up and take a webinar in the middle of the night, but i accidentally slept through. since immunotherapy, i need so much more sleep than i used to.
friday, april 24: scan day. i’m going to write a blog about it. taking lorazepam was the best decision i’ve ever made. the hospital had strict entrance procedures, social distancing in the waiting rooms, and everyone was wearing a mask. the PET scan area only had two scans scheduled the whole day. a very different place.
saturday, april 25: i drank a glass of wine too many last night, and am paying for it today. even though yesterday went as well as could be, i think i also had a spike or adrenaline, and now, i’m crashing. taking an afternoon nap always feels to me like a waste of time, but today it felt luxurious, and also like i had no other choice!
sunday, april 26: it is unbelievable how easy it has become to not even go outside. i’ve had a busy day – from a family zoom (we figured out how to play codenames, which was so fun), to going through every paper in my files… it seems impossible that i could so easily fill up all this time.
that was my last daily “entry”. it has become a bit of time capsule that captures a moment in time that i can barely describe looking back on – intensely surreal while at the same time deeply grounding and emotionally visceral. i survived isolation because of the ability to connect over technology, the loveliness of my apartment, and my annoyingly helpful cancer resilience training. ugh. i hate that having cancer was helpful for anything.
re-reading my one sentence pandemic does not make me want to re-live it. i’ve got my fingers crossed that the second wave of coronavirus doesn’t send us all back inside.
*after months in my apartment, i am spending my summer soaking up every moment i can get outside. this photo was taken of a recent sunset here in koh lanta. while not a canadian summer, it has been a special chance to reconnect with my host country, exploring new places and returning to some old favorites.
