sometimes you read articles about what not to say to a cancer patient. i know in the past i have struggled knowing what to say to others when they were deep in grief, when they had lost their partner, or were confronted with a personal crisis. i wanted to get it just right, and i regularly left analyzing my words and their impact. even in a few cases (i’m ashamed to admit) not knowing what to say, so saying nothing at all.
i remember going to a funeral when i was a teenager. one of my favorite teachers in high school had lost her husband, and we were there to show our support. along the receiving line, everyone was saying the same thing: “i’m so sorry for your loss”. i heard it over and over again as we approached her. it started to feel disingenuous. i wanted to say something different. i wanted to say something that would have an impact. i ended up saying, “i’m so sad for you”, and immediately burst into tears. i don’t remember what happened next, but in all likelihood, she probably gave me a hug and told me it would be okay.
in the fall of 2017, my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. it was devastating for my aunt, my cousins, and our whole family, and we were so sad when he passed. his diagnosis also brought up a lot of fear and anxiety in me. i was only 3 months into my ‘cancer-free’ life, and a fear of recurrence was living just below the surface of my life. i started experiencing hyper-awareness of my hands, noticing that i was dropping things, (irrationally, of course) afraid that i also had a metastasis in my brain. it seemed entirely possible and rational when i had just had the same type of cancer he was diagnosed with. however, the part that hurt the worst (for me), was that no one reached out to me from my immediate family (mom, dad, brother) to check in on how i was doing. i felt ashamed for making it about me, but i also thought, ‘how could they not realize how this would have hit a little close to home’? eventually, i expressed my anger to my mom.
my mom responded, “we thought about saying something, but we didn’t want to assume you were worried, or give you any ideas.”
i can tell you with absolute certainty that nothing anyone could say would ever make me more worried than i already am. it is impossible to remind me that i have cancer. you can’t remind me that i’m devastated and scared. it is always there. the only constant in my life.
since i know my parents and brother read this blog, please know, i totally get where they were coming from. i am not sharing this story to make anyone feel badly. if our positions had been reversed, i would have done the same thing. i am sharing this story because sometimes it takes experiencing grief/trauma yourself to learn.
now that i have the perspective of being the cancer patient, i’ve realized there is almost nothing that anyone has said or done that has been wrong. perhaps there are some things people have said that help more (and interestingly, it seems that many people who have an instinct around how to best support, have been through something difficult themselves).
my friend and her husband, who are going through a hard time, sent out an email to their friends and family with a list of things that were helpful during their time of grief. i thought it was a genius idea and i found it helpful because i didn’t have to guess. i get asked constantly by people how they can support me, and sometimes it feels exhausting to think of ideas. it feels a bit strange to write a list of ways that people can be helpful; however, i hope it is taken by you all in the spirit it is offered. i am sure there are other ideas that i haven’t thought of, so this is not meant to be limiting. but, since everyone is different, i thought i would think carefully of ten ways people can walk alongside me on this unwanted, frightening path:
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- connections for house sitting: i am paying rent in bangkok for an apartment that is sitting empty, so in terms of finances, i can’t afford to permanently pay for air BnB’s. and since my timeline in canada is currently undetermined, i can’t commit to a rental. i was trying to explain to my parents recently why it is so hard for me to live with them – they have space and i know they are desperate to help. here is the thing: i’m 36 years old and i left home at 18. i have literally lived half my life on my own. to move backwards is disheartening. it is also about the allusion of control. having my own space offers a sliver of independence and freedom that i have in my real life. i know many canadians go south for a period of time in the winter, so i imagine there may be “free” houses that could use a guest. i promise i am responsible and clean. i am happiest when i am in a neighborhood where i can walk: to coffee shops, yoga, etc. but that isn’t a deal-breaker. i’m based in ottawa but toronto can work for short periods of time too.
- sharing a healthy (vegetarian) meal: i can’t justify eating poorly, even though i feel like shit. going out for a nourishing meal, or sharing it at home, or even a healthy meal for the freezer is incredibly helpful. in addition to being a vegetarian (who eats seafood), on advice from a naturopath, i am trying to focus on food that is low in sugar and low in dairy. it can feel stressful to cook for a person with dietary restrictions so an invitation to cook a meal together is a great way to hang.
- anything handwritten: the best things in life are (almost) free! those of you that know me well, know that i love anything handwritten. over the past months, i have been fortunate to receive so many notes, cards, emails… i have saved every single message and am gradually adding it to a scrapbook. i’m such a sucker for inspirational quotes. each message has meant SO much and has brightened my darker days.
- invitations to do active things together: hiking. yoga. the gym. i’m trying to stay healthy and i love to workout. while i can’t lift heavy weights as i did before, or do anything that requires significant upper body strength, i am always up for movement. last week a friend took me to aerial yoga for the first time! staying healthy AND spending quality time together. win.
- people who can talk about (or listen to) the hard sad truth: the truth is that i could die from this. i know that there is a strong likelihood that that won’t happen for some time, or that i could die from something else. but i have been scared of dying since the first moment that the doctor called me at work to tell me the mole had come back positive for melanoma. and i need to talk about it. i can’t pretend that possibility doesn’t exist. i need to talk about my fears of dying, what my wishes are, and what i would miss. i understand that is uncomfortable for some people, especially people who love me a lot. but if i bring it up, try leaning into the discomfort rather than changing the subject. i don’t need people to tell me that it will all be okay (as nobody knows what the future holds), but when people tell me we can handle what is to come together, i know that i’m not alone.
- lending/donating winter clothing: i’ve lived in warm climates for the last twelve years. i’m freezing my butt off here in ottawa! literally. why do humans put themselves through this torture? it is super helpful to have clothing that is not only fashionable, but also warm. i left bangkok abruptly in may, and assumed i would only be gone for summer, and maybe fall. so far, friends have lent me some cute sweaters, a trendy plaid shirt, and a beautiful warm jacket. when you look good, and feel cosy, you feel better. anyone have winter boots in size 9?
- visitors who are comfortable with flexibility: when i think about what is most important in life, and how i want to spend whatever time i have on this planet, i want to spend it with the people that i love. however, i can barely plan next week… let alone next month. and this is from ME, the ultimate planner! you all know i love planning trips almost as much as actually going on them! i don’t want to let anyone down or cause problems. this past summer, i was supposed to be in the UK with friends and due to my diagnosis i had to cancel everything… and four friends had trips to cancel… SUCH an inconvenience. so if you are up for being spontaneous, or are comfortable cancelling/changing trips, then let’s talk. having my people around me makes me so very happy.
- experiences together: museums. road trips. classes. one of the things i’ve lost (other than my work, my independence and my health), is my adventurous travel lifestyle. i’m trying to approach living in canada with beginner’s eyes. during these past months i’ve been to the museum of illusions in toronto with my brother, driven to prince edward county for a mexico girls reunion, met a friend to go glamping in grafton and tried new restaurants with visiting friends. i even did the tour of the parliament buildings for the first time in twenty years! my acupuncturist reminds me regularly that the definition of health is not the absence of disease, but a feeling of wellbeing. and – for now – i do feel well. i want to take advantage of feeling well and not miss a moment. a photography lesson, a knife skills class, a writing seminar, a pottery party. let’s be tourists at home.
- movie, book, podcast & tv recommendations without a depressing cancer storyline: a few weeks ago, we watched the movie annihilation. cancer is literally the metaphor for the PREMISE of the movie. on top of that, it was mentioned in three different contexts. an important cancer life lesson: do your research! i like the idea of TV, but i don’t watch that much. if i do watch a show, it is usually based on a recommendation. i have some friends who write me regularly with a short list of books/articles/podcasts that they think i might like. they don’t expect a response, and it always makes me smile.
- asking, “how are you doing today?”: “how are you?” is a tricky and controversial question in the cancer world. i can’t speak for others, but for myself, it is a fine balance. if i were to answer that question truthfully, i’d say: i’m shit. nothing about my life is the way it is supposed to be. alternatively, some people are afraid to make you upset, so they don’t ask you how you are at all. several years ago, i read sheryl sandberg’s book on grief and resilience, written after the death of her husband. she said, “I couldn’t understand when friends didn’t ask me how I was. I felt invisible, as if I were standing in front of them but they couldn’t see me. When someone shows up with a cast, we immediately inquire, “What happened?” If your ankle gets shattered, people ask to hear the story. If your life gets shattered, they don’t.” what i have determined is best for me, is to be asked. i try to assume that people don’t really mean HOW ARE YOU in the grand life sense, they mean ‘how are you in this moment?’. that, i can answer.
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søren kierkegaard, the danish philosopher, tells us that life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. now that i have been through this experience, i wish i could go back in time, and reach out. to that dear friend who had a miscarriage. to that acquaintance who lost her partner. to that friend who had a cancer scare. i’m sorry if i didn’t show up for you. i’m sorry if i reached out on day 1, but didn’t reach out on day 101. i’m sorry that i was so busy being happy and focused on my life, that i may have missed an opportunity to support you.
sending love and deep appreciation to every single person who has thought about me, messaged me, called me, written to me, spent time with me and supported me. and to everyone who has supported my mom, dad and brother too. i will never have enough words to express how grateful i am.
*this photo was taken in new zealand, in january 2015, as we drove from queenstown to the west coast of the south island. this view worked for me. these colors worked for me. take me back!
