it started as a dull ache. deep in the right side of my lower back, just above my glute. i wouldn’t have even described it as pain — it was more an awareness of discomfort. i assumed it was from heavy lifting at the gym.
the dread came sinking in when it began radiating across my entire lower back. sitting in a chair at work became uncomfortable, and a workout at the gym made it substantially worse. i have a history of throwing out my neck but lower back pain was not a familiar struggle. i had recently tweaked my right ankle getting underneath the bar for a squat – which was unexpectedly set up lower than usual – otherwise i couldn’t think of a particular movement or moment that would have set it off.
a few years ago i read a memoir about a woman who died of cancer, and it was lower back pain that had been her symptom of progression to stage 4. it was the beginning of the end for her. when cancer moves to the bones it often starts gradually, is worse at night, and continues while resting.
advil and tylenol were not doing much to relieve my discomfort, and it was uncomfortable even while laying in bed. my hopes were resting on having success with muscle relaxants: but when i took one, nothing changed.
the stories i began telling myself: that the cancer was in my bones & that i would be dead by summer.