there are these books that kindergarten teachers use to teach kids about feelings. usually there is a page dedicated to each feeling: sad, happy, angry; and a hand drawn face of a child with that emotion. the books teach kids to identify each feeling within themselves and others, and honors that it is okay to have each of these feelings.
they say the cancer journey is a roller coaster of feelings. everyone says that. but roller coaster doesn’t even capture it. sometimes the feelings i have are so unfamiliar that i can’t even identify what it is: what is the feeling between sad and angry? what is the feeling that is the combination of both? what is worse than devastated? what is the feeling that is slightly worse than hopeless combined with overwhelmed? what is the word for the feeling of being simultaneously vulnerable and able to withstand great force? what is the word for needing to live with ambiguity, flexibility, but not wanting to have to? what is the word for knowing you are living the saddest story you have ever heard but instead you feel like you are actually watching it? how do you describe being numb yet completely heightened to every emotion? how do you describe how resentful and angry you feel when you remember how strong you are supposed to be, how hopeful you want to be, how equipped to handle this people think you are.
i don’t have the language for what i feel.
i need a new book of feelings. a new vocabulary for emotion.
Sometimes you are swimming in unwept tears and you’ll go under if you store them up inside.